God's Faithfulness

I want you to meet someone....

This is my first born, and one of the most beautiful souls that I have ever known.  Seriously, she is amazing.  Even when she was a little tiny person of 2 years old and speaking with full blown sentences, she had "something about her".  And it's not just me...really, it isnt!  I have heard this about Allie at least once a week from perfect strangers to our closest friends and relatives.  Yes, I am bragging....but its more than  just a mothers love for her first born.  Allie, to me, shines of Gods great faithfulness.  Here is my  story....

When I was about 19 years old, I  moved from Spokane to Seattle.  I really needed a change of pace and maybe an over all starting over.  I was pretty rebellious and liked to do all kinds of crazy stuff.  But inside, I was broken and bleeding.   I think I really would have done anything to ease the pain. I had a few jobs, the last one managing two Espresso Stands.  I LOVED this job because of all of the great people I met.  As time went on, I started feeling this deep need for God.  I felt so much guilt for all of the things that I had done, that I kept a distance from this pull inside of me.  Yet, as I worked, people would come through the stand and say the most random things to me about God.  Things that started making me believe that God knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking, and wanted me to come to Him anyway.  To keep this some what to the point and not to terribly long, I am going to jump forward.  I did finally give in and give my self to God.  He showed me such grace and forgiveness, and an overall understanding of being set free of my sins and my self.  I felt amazing and so excited to know that God truly loved me no matter what I had done.

Well, as I am still human, I found myself once again, on the wrong side of things.  I visited a very good friend in Spokane and was convinced to party "one last time".  I partied, and found myself pregnant.   I was absolutely devastated.  I couldnt believe my bad luck!  I finally had felt free and cleansed and wanted to save myself for that one special person that I would marry.  I believed that God made me pure again, because it really is the heart that matters.  And here I was, pregnant. Unmarried, and pregnant.  Who would want me now?  I dont even like kids (I ADORE THEM NOW!!). I dont believe in abortion.  I have no money.  I cant marry the person who I was together with. ...On and on my thoughts and fears went.  The only thing left to do was to get on my knees and beg God for forgiveness and for help.   As I did, I felt an instant peace and love of God .  Again. Can it really be that simple? Oh, I had plenty to work out still, but He was there, ready to forgive and HELP!  As I poured out my heart and every fear to The KING of KINGS, He eased every one.   Two of them were greater than the rest, and the most monumental...First: how am I going to support a baby?  The man who got me pregnant did not want to deal with it.  I could go through the state and garnish his wages, yes.  But what a bunch of heart ache.  A thought hit me then, rich and true, I knew it was HIM.  "I will take care of your every need.  I love this baby far more than you, and I love you."  At that point, I left the "State" route alone. I am here to tell you that never once did I need to go on welfare, nor did I ever have to beg for money.  Somehow, there was ALWAYS just enough.

The next fear was so horrible to me..."what if this little person always reminded me of my sin.  When I look at her, will I always remember the bad I did?  I would never wish that on anyone".  The answer "This baby will not remind you of your sin, but of MY FAITHFULNESS!".  I could barely stand.  Truly.  From that moment on, God has proved His faithfulness to me in a million different ways.  God is GOOD.  I have experienced it!  And YES!  Allie reminds me of His faithfulness everyday! 

In the last 15 years, since this beautiful girl was born, I have gone through much heart ache and pain, and feelings that God has let me down.  In the end, it really is always me that is believing something that is NOT true, and HE is always waiting to show me again and again His great faithfulness! 

1 John 1:9

But if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, forgiving us our sins AND CLEANSING US from all unrighteousness!

Thank you, God, that YOU are GOOD and Your mercy is new EVERY DAY!!!

Popularity Contest...

Life is a popularity contest....at least it seems that way to me.  As a whole, I think that we all want to be the best, look the best, and be known as the best.  When we are little, all of us want to be thought of as the coolest and the best.  Well, at least I did.  Then when we get rejected or told something contrary to what we want to be know as, we react.  Some of us get angry and become bullies and rule the playground with all kind of manipulations.

As we get older, we just become more sophisticated at manipulating or covering up our pain and  the need to fit in.   Now, I want to be clear on one thing.  I think compitition is a great thing when it comes to sports or music, or whatever our talents are.  Being the best at something is excellent.  I cant stand this new idea of not keeping score, or not wanting to leave someone out, even though another teamate worked their tail off to win and better themselves.  We are creating a new society of mediocrity..... And dont even get me started on the ideas and plans in our Government!  
    I think that this is where positive peer pressure comes in.  Wanting to be better, and not giving up, working hard to earn something.  We get into trouble when our attitude becomes prideful and we let those things DEFINE us.  Talents are amazing things to have. But once we start using them to "show up" others or have a prideful attitude, we get lost.  When we forget to encourage our teamates and tell them great job, even when we loose, we get in to all sorts of trouble.

     As I said before,as we get older and get jobs, and get on bigger and more important teams, and the stakes are higher, our manipulation or pride just becomes more sophisticated  and in many new forms. The one place that this showed up ,and I was shocked, was church.

     Before I became a Christian, my life was a mess.  I had gotten myself in many jams, and allowed so many things into my soul.  I felt so lost, so broken. A place where no one could help me or make me feel any better, or heal my broken heart.  I felt this deep love from God pulling me and drawing me in.  I felt so loved, but couldnt understand why.  Why would the King of the Universe love me?  After all of the thing s that I did...and He knew them ALL.  He still was calling me to Him?  I DID come to Him.  I gave it all to Him.  I  thought He would condemn me, but it was the opposite.  He healed me from all of that junk. I know EVERYONE wants to be healed from one thing or another.  I found that God is good and He is true, and will not change like our fellow"humans."

     In my mind, church should be the most safest places that you could be.  The place where you can be you and learn to cope with life, and grow and change and learn to be what God created you to be.  I have found it to be, in some cases, one of the worst.  From the pulpit, to the music, to the preschool workers... there is so much pride!  So much of a need to be "seen" as someone that is amazing.  I have seen some people so prideful and so haughty because they led groups, and led music, and did a ton of things "for the church".  One of the biggest shockers of all for me...is I started doing that!  Looking for accolades and wanting to be seen as popular or the "best"!

     I dont know about you, but I think this completely makes the love of God almost obsolete, or the thing that is in the back corner instead of the forfront of the conversation and of the church.  Hearing people in church speak of others who are not believers like they are the plague grieves my heart!  Werent  you once in a bad place? Wasnt I?  The God I know came to seek and save the lost, not condemn the lost. It is the LOVE OF GOD that brings us to repentance... Who are we, then, to go above the God of the Heavens, and be unloving? And Of all People! Those in the Church!

     Yes, I need to earnestly seek and cultivate and desire the best that God has, the best gifts and graces...but there is a more excellent way by far...which is LOVE.

      Even if I could speak like the angels, and I did not love, I would just be a clanging symbol.  I could understand all the mysteries of heaven and the secret truths of the Universe, have faith that could remove mountains, but did not have love...then I am useless and have gained nothing!

     Do I endure ,am I patient, kind?  Am I envious, and boil over with jelousy? Do I boast, am I vanglorious and display myself haughtily?  Self seeking, arrogant, inflated?  Do I insist on my own way, my rights?  Do I give attention to the wrongs done against me?  Unfortunately...if I am honest, I have to say yes to many of these things!

     Then what is the point?  If you are a part of a church, make sure you love and you love those who dont go!  And those who dont go to church, dont let one or two bad churches or the sound of haughty Christians keep you away.  God is good and filled with mercy.  I know many Christians who are working hard at changing the negative view of God and Church.  I want to be one of those people!  

Peace

For so long, I have not felt peace. Life gets so terribly hard sometimes. I find it so amazing how the choices I make change my life dramatically and change the lives of those around me. I felt a strong pull today to really start pursuing wisdom, and understanding of what is really going on around me and what the point of it all is. If we live a life without intention, allowing things to simply float in and around and by us, without much thought, we become foolish. I want to intentionally become stronger and wiser. Kind of like a Boxer would prepare and train. I want to train myself in wisdom and become stronger and more prepared to deal with the difficult issues that are bound to come. Over and Over again.

I have been asking myself some pretty important questions. Like, do I exploit Gods goodness by being lazy with my morals? Or my speech? Or my attitudes? Am I discontentedly complaining? Oh, God! Forgive me!

And this: Is what I am doing helpful, profitable or constructive to my character?

That leads me back to wisdom. Seek wisdom and be RULED by wisdom. Train ourselves to be able to discern between good and evil. There is so much out there that does NOT belong in our souls.

And my last thought for the day:

Live as though your life is at stake and the enemy is waiting to outwit you! Then you will have PEACE because wisdom rules your heart!