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When I was about 19 years old, I moved from Spokane to Seattle. I really needed a change of pace and maybe an over all starting over. I was pretty rebellious and liked to do all kinds of crazy stuff. But inside, I was broken and bleeding. I think I really would have done anything to ease the pain. I had a few jobs, the last one managing two Espresso Stands. I LOVED this job because of all of the great people I met. As time went on, I started feeling this deep need for God. I felt so much guilt for all of the things that I had done, that I kept a distance from this pull inside of me. Yet, as I worked, people would come through the stand and say the most random things to me about God. Things that started making me believe that God knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking, and wanted me to come to Him anyway. To keep this some what to the point and not to terribly long, I am going to jump forward. I did finally give in and give my self to God. He showed me such grace and forgiveness, and an overall understanding of being set free of my sins and my self. I felt amazing and so excited to know that God truly loved me no matter what I had done.
Well, as I am still human, I found myself once again, on the wrong side of things. I visited a very good friend in Spokane and was convinced to party "one last time". I partied, and found myself pregnant. I was absolutely devastated. I couldnt believe my bad luck! I finally had felt free and cleansed and wanted to save myself for that one special person that I would marry. I believed that God made me pure again, because it really is the heart that matters. And here I was, pregnant. Unmarried, and pregnant. Who would want me now? I dont even like kids (I ADORE THEM NOW!!). I dont believe in abortion. I have no money. I cant marry the person who I was together with. ...On and on my thoughts and fears went. The only thing left to do was to get on my knees and beg God for forgiveness and for help. As I did, I felt an instant peace and love of God . Again. Can it really be that simple? Oh, I had plenty to work out still, but He was there, ready to forgive and HELP! As I poured out my heart and every fear to The KING of KINGS, He eased every one. Two of them were greater than the rest, and the most monumental...First: how am I going to support a baby? The man who got me pregnant did not want to deal with it. I could go through the state and garnish his wages, yes. But what a bunch of heart ache. A thought hit me then, rich and true, I knew it was HIM. "I will take care of your every need. I love this baby far more than you, and I love you." At that point, I left the "State" route alone. I am here to tell you that never once did I need to go on welfare, nor did I ever have to beg for money. Somehow, there was ALWAYS just enough.
The next fear was so horrible to me..."what if this little person always reminded me of my sin. When I look at her, will I always remember the bad I did? I would never wish that on anyone". The answer "This baby will not remind you of your sin, but of MY FAITHFULNESS!". I could barely stand. Truly. From that moment on, God has proved His faithfulness to me in a million different ways. God is GOOD. I have experienced it! And YES! Allie reminds me of His faithfulness everyday!
In the last 15 years, since this beautiful girl was born, I have gone through much heart ache and pain, and feelings that God has let me down. In the end, it really is always me that is believing something that is NOT true, and HE is always waiting to show me again and again His great faithfulness!
1 John 1:9
But if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, forgiving us our sins AND CLEANSING US from all unrighteousness!
Thank you, God, that YOU are GOOD and Your mercy is new EVERY DAY!!!
